Encouraged by my recent volunteer experience, I recently got back in touch with a former mentor and role model of mine.   Since I spoke to him last (which I think was at his son Paul’s wedding many moons ago), Henry’s been appointed by Clinton and Bush to federal executive branch committees and boards (most recently on the Board of Directors of the Corporation for National & Community Service) .   He’s now deputy director of a pretty big foundation in San Francisco.  This man is connected with a capital C in the non-profit (and probably some of the political) world, and he loves me like a second daughter, practically.   I remember when I used to come to his house everyday after school when I was a senior in high school.  Now he’s promised to think about how I could do some contract work for him or people he knows.

Why have I not called him before?  Because somewhere, in the recesses of my powerful little mind, there is always that voice that says…”I can do it myself, damn it!”

In the last week, I’ve thought about how the whole American sense of independence thing has gone to far for too many of us.  In fact, since I began my fascination with the whole concept of leadership, I’ve noticed that the wisest, most successful folks seem to have thrown the idea of being el lobo solo by the way side.  Per the infamous Stephen Covey, a habit of highly effective people is that they choose a more productive, satisfying, and easier alternative - they build on divergent strengths, and they leverage creative collaboration.  They build teams.  They delegate.  They rely on others.  They find partners.  They reach out.  They communicate.

In other words, instead of trying to do it all themselves, they actually get the help they want.   Notice I didn’t say “get the help they NEED.” Why?  Because the reality is, many things in life can be accomplished alone, so for many tasks you don’t technically NEED help.  But does life have to be so hard?  No, my fellow citizens of a country borne from the Protestant-work-ethic, no.

It’s usually not as much fun doing something alone.  In addition, it’s usually harder.  And, you actually can bring joy into other people’s lives by asking or allowing them to help you do something they are naturally talented at.

This is not new stuff.  We’ve all been told we need to learn to delegate, to work as a team, to be cooperative and collaborative.  But why don’t we really believe it?  Talk to your therapist, but it also may be partly because there are still lots of unspoken images and myths abound that still reinforce the opposite ideal, in the media, our own families, our work places.

Reaching out for help, connection, to delegate and to outsource is something we all need to be reminded of again and again to really internalize it.   I had another lesson in this recently, when I mentioned to my best friend, Olivia* that I had a challenging career coaching appointment coming up.  Olivia happens to be job hunting right now (long story, but if you know of some good business development or relationship sales jobs let me know) and before I knew it, she had rattled off at least 5-6 effective approaches and tips for me to use on my call.  Again, I didn’t need to struggle on my own, trying to research on the internet, etc.

I’ve actually gotten worse about this since I became a mother, because of the super-mom myth about us being able to do it all.  Man I would have gotten a lot more hands-on help when I was on maternity leave, home alone with a less than 3 month old, if I’d done more than call my sister for help, who couldn’t come over to help me very often, since she was occupied with infant twins of her own at the time.

Just pick up the god damned phone, ping a friend on Facebook, e-mail, whatever.   Be strong enough and smart enough to stop being so freaking independent.  You don’t have to go it alone.  No man is an island.

Once you start doing this on a regular basis, you’ll actually be more successful in whatever you do, personally or professionally.  Life is easier, too.  And a lot more fun.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent - that is, me.

Scanned from my high school scrapbook, a photo of myself volunteering at aged 15 (note my braces if you look carefully) at a Youth to Youth conference in Carpinteria, CA

Get out your cup of coffee/tea to read this one, it’s a long[ish] post.  Cue Gilligan’s Island theme: “Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a…15 year old?

When I was a sophomore at Thousand Oaks High School, I was asked by a school counselor if I would attend a volunteer youth leadership training and “Youth-to-Youth“ conference happening in the neighboring Santa Ynez Valley.  I went, figuring it would be a good experience to “pad” my future college application and might be an interesting adventure away from my family with my buddy Greg, who was also invited.  What happened was truly life-changing.

The experience was way beyond my expectations.  The amazing staff established an atmosphere at the training and the conference  where I felt unconditionally accepted for who I was, just as I was.  This was nothing short of extraordinary in the context of my high school life, crowded with the pressures of popularity politics and parental expectations for academic perfection.

Twenty years later (this past Feb), shortly after I left my corporate job and took a sabbatical of sorts, I signed-up to be an adult volunteer leader at Youth-to-Youth’s annual Western States conference.  Now that my schedule is finally more my own, I figured it was time to give back to the organization that I had gotten so much from.

But just prior to the conference, I hit a scary part of my journey towards better life balance and a professional transition to become a free-lance career coach, MBA admissions consultant, and writer.  My corporate severance package was drying up, and due to my own longer-than-expected-journey-to-face-my-fears and, of course THE FREAKING ECONOMY, I was not bringing in as much cash from some of my off-season projects as I had hoped.

I was feeling low about everything- including, to my dismay, the Youth-to-Youth (aka Y2Y) conference.  Here’s a sampling of the gamut of thoughts in my head as I drove the two hours to Claremont McKenna College: ”Five days away from my family in a dorm room? I haven’t worked with teenagers since I WAS a teenager! It’s going to be SO hot on that campus!”

But, I knew they were counting on me, so I showed up on Monday.  And, to be honest, I was tentative at first.  I was tentative about what I said, tentative about what I did.  I’m sure it showed in my body language as well.  I didn’t feel as comfortable as I thought I would, and it was disappointing.  I think I had been picturing a huge homecoming parade in my honor…where the old, naively confident but completely winning 15-year-old Karen would be Grand Marshal.

The teens of the Western States Youth-to-Youth conference partying it up in the pool.

I did some journaling to sort it out.  I pondered why I was holding back, not quite feeling myself and not feeling as happy and excited as I had when I signed up.  I wasn’t sure if it was because (1) I had grown up and I become more mellow; (2) I was unsure of my success as a volunteer facilitator, or (3) if I was not very active because I was physically tired (showing signs of my age) from all the activity, heat, dorm food and the small cold virus I came to the conference with.

By Thursday night I decided that it was probably a combination of all three, along with another more embarrassing reason.  Because it had been so long since I had been to a conference, I had almost involuntarily taken a step back to observe before I could feel comfortable diving back in wholeheartedly again.

The discomforting part is that I know I was not just observing, I was analyzing and even making judgments.  All this in spite of the fact that an essential tenet of Youth to Youth is to actually promote a lifestyle where teens (and adults) don’t make judgments of one another, and instead accept one another (and themselves) for who they are, just as they are.

I was presuming the teens weren’t interested in me because I am in a different phase of my life than they are; I was unconsciously assuming that I didn’t have a lot in common with the teens or some of the adult staff (mostly folks who had actually been brave enough, unlike me, to dedicate their life’s work to youth development).  In other words, my insecurity was getting the best of me and I was assuming no one would like me.

In addition, when I really faced myself honestly, I had to admit that I had been also analyzing the program by (a) comparing it to my nostalgic memory of it from 18 years ago and (b) comparing it to other conference/event experiences I have had since I left the program for college adventures and beyond.

After being disappointed with my judgmental self for a bit, I decided to be gentle on myself about it.  After all, I had spent the majority of my years since I left Youth-to-Youth (in college, two graduate degree programs, and in my work in higher education and healthcare)  being rewarded and recognized for being a great critical thinker.  I was extensively trained to (a) observe, (b) dissect, (c) find problems, (d) solve problems, and (e) find the value in any situation.  Unfortunately, much of the world and my training tended to focus on (a)-(d) and not (e).  In other words, in the last several years I have spent too much time focusing on the “critical” in “critical thinking.”

The next day, I was finally me, out loud…and I finally stopped observing and started actually venturing out to experience the conference for what it was.  I felt myself come out of my shell, reach out to more people, and had an easier time talking with everyone.  I wasn’t concerned about talking too much with other adults, or if the teenagers thought I was a “cool.”  I was just me.  I also stopped analyzing how the conference might be even more effective, or how it was different from when I was 15, and just accepted the wonderful experience for what it was, just as it was.

That night I danced without a care in the world under the stars at the dance that always culminates a conference.  I engaged in real conversations about people’s lives and futures, and wrote “warm fuzzies,” (Youth-to-Youth’s name for positive written notes to other conference participants, posted to a large wall – basically the precursor to Facebook),  not caring if I received any in return.

So all of this is a long winded story to remind us all, especially those who are a bit over-educated like myself, to remember to:

(1) balance out “critical” thinking with positive thinking and acceptance

(2) to balance your thinking with doing and feeling

(3) to balance listening to the wise adult in yourself with listening to your inner teenager…

2009 Western States Youth Staff

I went on vacation to San Francisco this past week, where my husband and I lived for four years before we got married.

After a work-related presentation at Goldman Sachs, we enjoyed a four day vacation, making overdue calls on old friends and enjoying the diversity of the Bay Area, from the colorful Mission district and Berkeley to the cool and rustic green hills of Marin County, to the newer – though scorching hot - East Bay communities.

We arrived home, happy, travel-worn and tired and I had to launch right back into work with a career coaching client. This MBA student, who I’ll call Megan, was torn, by two paths:

(1) the safe route of pursuing an operations job at companies who recruit on her campus, since her school has earned a reputation amongst Fortune 500 recruiters for graduating solid to strong operations MBAs.

(2) taking a leap of faith in herself to more independently pursue what she thinks she would prefer, a corporate finance job.

I encouraged Megan to “go for it” and get an early start on networking and researching the finance jobs first, because when you are less than passionate about a position and have to fake it to some extent, it’s likely to show.

I could sense her trepidation, given the understandably scary employment market and her background of being brought up in a conservative family who always urged her take the safe route. She felt better when I assured her that if we got an early enough start (e.g., this summer), we could learn more about how hard finding a finance job would really be – and if she was uncomfortable with focusing solely on finance, she could select operations opportunities to pursue as well in the fall.

We’ll see how it goes with Megan, but thinking about her situation made me think of how we all face choices on when and whether to make leaps of faith in our lives. I thought of the array of friends we had seen on our SF trip, as well as other friends and family:

• the parents of newborns who chose to take the leap into parenthood (my friend Kathy, a psychologist, reminded me of a great book I’ve picked up and am reading next about the current state of motherhood)
• the just-laid-off father of two who has been pondering changing careers into something more socially significant
• the newly-back-to-work mothers who have decided to try to make working motherhood work
• the friends, along with myself who are choosing not to pursue eight (or 10, 12) hour a day jobs to pursue entrepreneurial careers in writing, consulting and coaching

The thing is about these leaps though, you really can’t force someone to do it, and you can’t really force yourself to, either. Some people, like myself have to hit some sort of “rock bottom” of unhappiness before they take the leap – particularly if you WERE brought up in a less-than-entrepreneurial family. I was miserable at this time last year, I had outgrown my Fortune 500 job, I felt like I wasn’t doing well at home or at work and I was spinning mentally. Today, while I still have fear and anxiety to face, I’m much happier overall for having made the leap.

What’s keeping you from going after your dreams?  When will you take your next leap to make change in your life? And if you know you’re not quite ready, in the meantime remember it doesn’t hurt to dream and start formulating a plan…

My three year old’s favorite book before bed is a Caldecott -honor book called “When Sophie Gets Angry — Really, Really Angry.”  It’s about how Sophie deals with the uncomfortable, and sometimes even frightening emotion of anger.  Interestingly, I have actually found myself working through some uncomfortable emotions of my own lately.

When I wrote my first post, I was in the middle of our bootcamp “cleanse” and obviously pretty focused on food.  By the time the cleanse was over however, I found myself not focused on food so much, but rather confronting some larger life issues.  The clarity and energy that resulted from ridding my body of the toxins, sugar, gluten, etc. forced me to deal with some fears I didn’t realize I had been avoiding for several weeks.

As I mentioned in my first post, food is something that I have long used for comfort. What I realized this week is that in the last month or so, I’ve specifically been using food (and a lot of other distracting activity) to blunt the onset of uncomfortable emotions of fear, anxiety and angst around my professional and financial future.

By way of background, you have to understand that I grew up with very type-A, achievement oriented immigrant parents who impressed upon me that my first priority goal in life should be ensuring myself a secure financial future.  So the fact that I left my Fortune 500 job for the more flexible, but yes, less secure world of freelancing is not something that always rests easily with me.  While my heart and my mind know that this is the path I want and need, and that I am talented enough to land on my feet no matter what happens, there’s still a part of me that is still petrified at times.

Without any “splurge” foods in my life for seven days, I was laid bare to myself.  But as difficult as it has been to been to confront my fears, the interesting thing is that once I let myself feel them, it has become easier to move on from them. Once I admitted my fears to myself, I had no choice but acknowledge them and work through them.  The end result has actually been a renewed energy, motivation and productivity in my work and the path I’ve chosen for myself.

So I challenge you, whether with the aid of a nutritional cleanse, a journal, therapist or whatever means …to have an honest look at what uncomfortable emotions you might want to face up to.  The process might not be easy, but you’ll be surprised at how gratifying and cathartic it is to work your way through it.

Hello, all:

My name is Karen Lee and I’m honored to be blogging for Ideal Balance for the first time.  I am a married, working mom of a three year old, a career coach, MBA admissions consultant (http://mbaexchange.com), and writer.  But mostly I’m just a modern woman trying to balance my life, just like all of you.

I take a holistic approach as a career coach, having learned by hard-won experience that life balance is key to career success.  As Julie Morgenstern (http://juliemorgenstern.com), organization expert and columnist for O magazine, said in one of her bestsellers, the highest performing employees/entrepreneurs “keep their lives in balance…so that they can replenish their energy and recharge their perspective for their work.”

How do you replenish your energy?  To get some support and guidance on how to do it in a balanced way, I am currently enrolled in Monica’s Life and Body Makeover Bootcamp. My favorite part of this week’s call was hearing a participant say that she wanted to focus on what she IS putting in to her body during the bootcamp cleanse, vs. focusing on what she is NOT putting into it (“non-cleanse foods” like dairy, meat, refined sugar.)  This got me thinking about how we regard food in this country (and more locally, in my mom and dad’s house when I was growing up):

A) Food = comfort

B) Food =  unfortunate necessity (”eat your veggies, even if you hate them!”)

C) Food = indulgence, reward, or pleasure

I’m all for limited amounts of regarding food as A and C, but what Monica more importantly focuses on is regarding all food, in moderation, as good; and regarding healthy, whole foods as a REFUELING, RECHARGING, ENERGIZING, POSITIVE SUSTENANCE.

I want to actually stop referring to healthy food as “good for me,” since that implies that there is a morally “bad food” as well.  Yes, it’s not healthy for you to eat a cupcake in big quantities because it has adverse effects on your body.  But if you put a one cupcake in your mouth once in awhile, it’s not bad.  In fact, I am actually starting to regard it as good, in the sense that it is, as Monica calls it, “a splurge food.”

On the other hand, I want to regard, let’s say a strawberry, as even better food, but not in the traditional way we think about “good for you.”  Instead of thinking of it as a “good” in the virtuous sense, I want to think about it as a better food to refuel myself with SUSTAINABLE energy to be able to fully enjoy and be present in my life, whether it be in: my alone time, my time with my husband and daughter, the time with my other family and friends, or my time working.  If I have that cupcake, I’m more likely to crash later and have less energy to, for example, play with my darling little girl or spend some quality time with my husband.

In other words, I want to think about all eating as a positive thing again, not something I feel guilty or proud about…a perspective hammered into me by, yes, say-it-all-together-now, my mother.  In her defense, she probably learned it from her mother or by the cultural media of her adolescence.

Then it’s just a matter of what you want to do with your refueled life…