Drink one glass of water in the morning as soon as you wake up.

For extra credit: add a piece of fresh lemon. For a gold star: Make the lemon organic.

Say No.

For many of us, saying no to people we love or who we want approval from can seem near impossible. But without the ability to say No properly, your “yes” becomes downright meaningless. Whether it’s in business or in love, being willing and able say No without explaining yourself can go a long way toward having the energy and resources to devote to the people and things you care most about.

This week, practice saying No when you can’t do something, when a request violates your principles or boundaries, or when you just simply want some time and energy to yourself.  It may feel strange at first, but the extra freedom will be worth it.

Ok, most of us fall into two camps when it comes to exercise. Camp one: we don’t do it at all or we hit the gym once or twice a week (or month:)). Camp two: we do it because we have to, but we don’t enjoy it, and we try our best to slog through it.

I have a new way to approach exercise - find something that you actually like doing or better yet - might actually fit in with what you really need in your life right now.

Instead of slogging through your regular gym routine or your knee-grinding run, see if any of the following may better meet your current needs:

For those of you in New York, I’ve put some links in here. For the rest of you, I’m sure you can find similar offerings in your area.

Need to de-stress and calm down? Try a yoga clas at a Yoga Studio, not one at a gym. The energy in yoga studios is calming as soon as you walk in the door. And you don’t hear the loud gym music while you are in down-dog.

Need to meet some new friends and fight the lonelies? Try a team sport like flag football or frisbee. Central Park has tons of new leagues that form every week. I have a friend that often plays with leagues from The New York Social Club. You may also want to try one of the recreational running clubs like The New York Harriers. They run in the mornings, but do social events as well.

Feeling totally depressed and unchallenged at work, but unable to leave your situation right now? Try challenging yourself to finish a running race or a triathlon. You can even join a team to help with motivation. Try looking into Full Throttle at Chelsea Piers or the Terrier Triathlon Club. I trained with full throttle for two years. It is tough, but very worth it. The New York Road Runners Club also has tons of great programs.

Feeling sad about the state of the world? Why not make the world a better place and get a flatter stomach? Check out Team in Training or Run for a Dream. Both organizations support great causes.

Ladies, feeling like you could use a little pizzazz in the bedroom? How about taking a strip tease class. You’ll feel it everywhere - and your guy wil thank you. Check out the S-Factor.

Would you like to give up the war you’ve had with your body and make some peace with where you are now (while still burning calories)? Every time I’ve done belly dancing, I come home with a new respect for my body, especially my belly. I look around the room and notice how we are all so beautiful in every shape, size and form. There is just something about this dance that allows for peace and self adoration. Try it, let me know if you agree. I’m not an expert on the best classes, but I’ve taken some at The Open Center that were quite good. Do let me know if you find a teacher you love.

Wish you had more time to shake your booty? But you don’t want to learn a 90-step combination? Try one of the new age dance classes that don’t require you to learn steps, you just feel the music and go. Check out Five Rhythms. You may also like the Brazilian martial art/dance style, called Capoeira. The Alvin Ailey Extension on 55th Street has tons of different dance classes from Zumba to West African.

In a slump and wishing life would just throw you a bone? Perhaps looking at life from a new angle would help - from a trapeze. The Trapeze School may be a fun way to help you get out of your rut and see life a little differently.

Take a moment and look at yourself first. Then pick out an exercise routine that really works for you. Make your exercise routine more than just a route to smaller jeans - it can also be an easy way to upgrade your life.

And for more great tips on Radical Self Care, don’t forget to sign up for our upcoming teleseminar: Radical Self Care: How to Have the Body, Career and Relationships you’ve always wanted.

What three books have had the most impact on you?

Encouraged by my recent volunteer experience, I recently got back in touch with a former mentor and role model of mine.   Since I spoke to him last (which I think was at his son Paul’s wedding many moons ago), Henry’s been appointed by Clinton and Bush to federal executive branch committees and boards (most recently on the Board of Directors of the Corporation for National & Community Service) .   He’s now deputy director of a pretty big foundation in San Francisco.  This man is connected with a capital C in the non-profit (and probably some of the political) world, and he loves me like a second daughter, practically.   I remember when I used to come to his house everyday after school when I was a senior in high school.  Now he’s promised to think about how I could do some contract work for him or people he knows.

Why have I not called him before?  Because somewhere, in the recesses of my powerful little mind, there is always that voice that says…”I can do it myself, damn it!”

In the last week, I’ve thought about how the whole American sense of independence thing has gone to far for too many of us.  In fact, since I began my fascination with the whole concept of leadership, I’ve noticed that the wisest, most successful folks seem to have thrown the idea of being el lobo solo by the way side.  Per the infamous Stephen Covey, a habit of highly effective people is that they choose a more productive, satisfying, and easier alternative - they build on divergent strengths, and they leverage creative collaboration.  They build teams.  They delegate.  They rely on others.  They find partners.  They reach out.  They communicate.

In other words, instead of trying to do it all themselves, they actually get the help they want.   Notice I didn’t say “get the help they NEED.” Why?  Because the reality is, many things in life can be accomplished alone, so for many tasks you don’t technically NEED help.  But does life have to be so hard?  No, my fellow citizens of a country borne from the Protestant-work-ethic, no.

It’s usually not as much fun doing something alone.  In addition, it’s usually harder.  And, you actually can bring joy into other people’s lives by asking or allowing them to help you do something they are naturally talented at.

This is not new stuff.  We’ve all been told we need to learn to delegate, to work as a team, to be cooperative and collaborative.  But why don’t we really believe it?  Talk to your therapist, but it also may be partly because there are still lots of unspoken images and myths abound that still reinforce the opposite ideal, in the media, our own families, our work places.

Reaching out for help, connection, to delegate and to outsource is something we all need to be reminded of again and again to really internalize it.   I had another lesson in this recently, when I mentioned to my best friend, Olivia* that I had a challenging career coaching appointment coming up.  Olivia happens to be job hunting right now (long story, but if you know of some good business development or relationship sales jobs let me know) and before I knew it, she had rattled off at least 5-6 effective approaches and tips for me to use on my call.  Again, I didn’t need to struggle on my own, trying to research on the internet, etc.

I’ve actually gotten worse about this since I became a mother, because of the super-mom myth about us being able to do it all.  Man I would have gotten a lot more hands-on help when I was on maternity leave, home alone with a less than 3 month old, if I’d done more than call my sister for help, who couldn’t come over to help me very often, since she was occupied with infant twins of her own at the time.

Just pick up the god damned phone, ping a friend on Facebook, e-mail, whatever.   Be strong enough and smart enough to stop being so freaking independent.  You don’t have to go it alone.  No man is an island.

Once you start doing this on a regular basis, you’ll actually be more successful in whatever you do, personally or professionally.  Life is easier, too.  And a lot more fun.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent - that is, me.

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Scanned from my high school scrapbook, a photo of myself volunteering at aged 15 (note my braces if you look carefully) at a Youth to Youth conference in Carpinteria, CA

Get out your cup of coffee/tea to read this one, it’s a long[ish] post.  Cue Gilligan’s Island theme: “Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a…15 year old?

When I was a sophomore at Thousand Oaks High School, I was asked by a school counselor if I would attend a volunteer youth leadership training and “Youth-to-Youth“ conference happening in the neighboring Santa Ynez Valley.  I went, figuring it would be a good experience to “pad” my future college application and might be an interesting adventure away from my family with my buddy Greg, who was also invited.  What happened was truly life-changing.

The experience was way beyond my expectations.  The amazing staff established an atmosphere at the training and the conference  where I felt unconditionally accepted for who I was, just as I was.  This was nothing short of extraordinary in the context of my high school life, crowded with the pressures of popularity politics and parental expectations for academic perfection.

Twenty years later (this past Feb), shortly after I left my corporate job and took a sabbatical of sorts, I signed-up to be an adult volunteer leader at Youth-to-Youth’s annual Western States conference.  Now that my schedule is finally more my own, I figured it was time to give back to the organization that I had gotten so much from.

But just prior to the conference, I hit a scary part of my journey towards better life balance and a professional transition to become a free-lance career coach, MBA admissions consultant, and writer.  My corporate severance package was drying up, and due to my own longer-than-expected-journey-to-face-my-fears and, of course THE FREAKING ECONOMY, I was not bringing in as much cash from some of my off-season projects as I had hoped.

I was feeling low about everything- including, to my dismay, the Youth-to-Youth (aka Y2Y) conference.  Here’s a sampling of the gamut of thoughts in my head as I drove the two hours to Claremont McKenna College: ”Five days away from my family in a dorm room? I haven’t worked with teenagers since I WAS a teenager! It’s going to be SO hot on that campus!”

But, I knew they were counting on me, so I showed up on Monday.  And, to be honest, I was tentative at first.  I was tentative about what I said, tentative about what I did.  I’m sure it showed in my body language as well.  I didn’t feel as comfortable as I thought I would, and it was disappointing.  I think I had been picturing a huge homecoming parade in my honor…where the old, naively confident but completely winning 15-year-old Karen would be Grand Marshal.

The teens of the Western States Youth-to-Youth conference partying it up in the pool.

I did some journaling to sort it out.  I pondered why I was holding back, not quite feeling myself and not feeling as happy and excited as I had when I signed up.  I wasn’t sure if it was because (1) I had grown up and I become more mellow; (2) I was unsure of my success as a volunteer facilitator, or (3) if I was not very active because I was physically tired (showing signs of my age) from all the activity, heat, dorm food and the small cold virus I came to the conference with.

By Thursday night I decided that it was probably a combination of all three, along with another more embarrassing reason.  Because it had been so long since I had been to a conference, I had almost involuntarily taken a step back to observe before I could feel comfortable diving back in wholeheartedly again.

The discomforting part is that I know I was not just observing, I was analyzing and even making judgments.  All this in spite of the fact that an essential tenet of Youth to Youth is to actually promote a lifestyle where teens (and adults) don’t make judgments of one another, and instead accept one another (and themselves) for who they are, just as they are.

I was presuming the teens weren’t interested in me because I am in a different phase of my life than they are; I was unconsciously assuming that I didn’t have a lot in common with the teens or some of the adult staff (mostly folks who had actually been brave enough, unlike me, to dedicate their life’s work to youth development).  In other words, my insecurity was getting the best of me and I was assuming no one would like me.

In addition, when I really faced myself honestly, I had to admit that I had been also analyzing the program by (a) comparing it to my nostalgic memory of it from 18 years ago and (b) comparing it to other conference/event experiences I have had since I left the program for college adventures and beyond.

After being disappointed with my judgmental self for a bit, I decided to be gentle on myself about it.  After all, I had spent the majority of my years since I left Youth-to-Youth (in college, two graduate degree programs, and in my work in higher education and healthcare)  being rewarded and recognized for being a great critical thinker.  I was extensively trained to (a) observe, (b) dissect, (c) find problems, (d) solve problems, and (e) find the value in any situation.  Unfortunately, much of the world and my training tended to focus on (a)-(d) and not (e).  In other words, in the last several years I have spent too much time focusing on the “critical” in “critical thinking.”

The next day, I was finally me, out loud…and I finally stopped observing and started actually venturing out to experience the conference for what it was.  I felt myself come out of my shell, reach out to more people, and had an easier time talking with everyone.  I wasn’t concerned about talking too much with other adults, or if the teenagers thought I was a “cool.”  I was just me.  I also stopped analyzing how the conference might be even more effective, or how it was different from when I was 15, and just accepted the wonderful experience for what it was, just as it was.

That night I danced without a care in the world under the stars at the dance that always culminates a conference.  I engaged in real conversations about people’s lives and futures, and wrote “warm fuzzies,” (Youth-to-Youth’s name for positive written notes to other conference participants, posted to a large wall – basically the precursor to Facebook),  not caring if I received any in return.

So all of this is a long winded story to remind us all, especially those who are a bit over-educated like myself, to remember to:

(1) balance out “critical” thinking with positive thinking and acceptance

(2) to balance your thinking with doing and feeling

(3) to balance listening to the wise adult in yourself with listening to your inner teenager…

2009 Western States Youth Staff

What is your favorite recipe?

I’m not sure what to make of this news that claims that online dating activity has skyrocketed since the recession started. While some in the article claim that it’s a matter of dollars and cents — it’s cheaper to be in a relationship than to date — I think it has more to do with people re-evaluating what’s really important to them.

After all, money, career success, and bling only take you so far in life. And when these things get threatened, people tend to look toward the more essential things in life, such as someone to share those successes with.

Some of the article seems to bear this theory out, claiming that substance is gaining over style, and that daters are being less haphazard and more pointed in their dating, considering potential partners who may have been overlooked for superficial reasons before.

All of this is a good thing. I’ve been telling clients for years that it’s not about where someone lives or what they do for a living that matters most (although that’s not irrelevant either), but the values they have and the vision they hold for their lives and whether you share them. Now that the world has turned topsy-turvy for so many people, it seems folks have an opportunity to consider what really matters to them. For some, it’s a continuation of the path they’ve already been on. For others, it’s an opportunity to re-envision what’s possible in life and in their relationships.

So what about you? Has the recession affected your dating priorities? Or, if you’re in a relationship, do you find yourself having different conversations with your sweetie? Regardless of what the market is doing, knowing what matters most, and not settling for less, is the key to relationship happiness.