Encouraged by my recent volunteer experience, I recently got back in touch with a former mentor and role model of mine.   Since I spoke to him last (which I think was at his son Paul’s wedding many moons ago), Henry’s been appointed by Clinton and Bush to federal executive branch committees and boards (most recently on the Board of Directors of the Corporation for National & Community Service) .   He’s now deputy director of a pretty big foundation in San Francisco.  This man is connected with a capital C in the non-profit (and probably some of the political) world, and he loves me like a second daughter, practically.   I remember when I used to come to his house everyday after school when I was a senior in high school.  Now he’s promised to think about how I could do some contract work for him or people he knows.

Why have I not called him before?  Because somewhere, in the recesses of my powerful little mind, there is always that voice that says…”I can do it myself, damn it!”

In the last week, I’ve thought about how the whole American sense of independence thing has gone to far for too many of us.  In fact, since I began my fascination with the whole concept of leadership, I’ve noticed that the wisest, most successful folks seem to have thrown the idea of being el lobo solo by the way side.  Per the infamous Stephen Covey, a habit of highly effective people is that they choose a more productive, satisfying, and easier alternative - they build on divergent strengths, and they leverage creative collaboration.  They build teams.  They delegate.  They rely on others.  They find partners.  They reach out.  They communicate.

In other words, instead of trying to do it all themselves, they actually get the help they want.   Notice I didn’t say “get the help they NEED.” Why?  Because the reality is, many things in life can be accomplished alone, so for many tasks you don’t technically NEED help.  But does life have to be so hard?  No, my fellow citizens of a country borne from the Protestant-work-ethic, no.

It’s usually not as much fun doing something alone.  In addition, it’s usually harder.  And, you actually can bring joy into other people’s lives by asking or allowing them to help you do something they are naturally talented at.

This is not new stuff.  We’ve all been told we need to learn to delegate, to work as a team, to be cooperative and collaborative.  But why don’t we really believe it?  Talk to your therapist, but it also may be partly because there are still lots of unspoken images and myths abound that still reinforce the opposite ideal, in the media, our own families, our work places.

Reaching out for help, connection, to delegate and to outsource is something we all need to be reminded of again and again to really internalize it.   I had another lesson in this recently, when I mentioned to my best friend, Olivia* that I had a challenging career coaching appointment coming up.  Olivia happens to be job hunting right now (long story, but if you know of some good business development or relationship sales jobs let me know) and before I knew it, she had rattled off at least 5-6 effective approaches and tips for me to use on my call.  Again, I didn’t need to struggle on my own, trying to research on the internet, etc.

I’ve actually gotten worse about this since I became a mother, because of the super-mom myth about us being able to do it all.  Man I would have gotten a lot more hands-on help when I was on maternity leave, home alone with a less than 3 month old, if I’d done more than call my sister for help, who couldn’t come over to help me very often, since she was occupied with infant twins of her own at the time.

Just pick up the god damned phone, ping a friend on Facebook, e-mail, whatever.   Be strong enough and smart enough to stop being so freaking independent.  You don’t have to go it alone.  No man is an island.

Once you start doing this on a regular basis, you’ll actually be more successful in whatever you do, personally or professionally.  Life is easier, too.  And a lot more fun.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent - that is, me.