Scanned from my high school scrapbook, a photo of myself volunteering at aged 15 (note my braces if you look carefully) at a Youth to Youth conference in Carpinteria, CA

Get out your cup of coffee/tea to read this one, it’s a long[ish] post.  Cue Gilligan’s Island theme: “Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a…15 year old?

When I was a sophomore at Thousand Oaks High School, I was asked by a school counselor if I would attend a volunteer youth leadership training and “Youth-to-Youth“ conference happening in the neighboring Santa Ynez Valley.  I went, figuring it would be a good experience to “pad” my future college application and might be an interesting adventure away from my family with my buddy Greg, who was also invited.  What happened was truly life-changing.

The experience was way beyond my expectations.  The amazing staff established an atmosphere at the training and the conference  where I felt unconditionally accepted for who I was, just as I was.  This was nothing short of extraordinary in the context of my high school life, crowded with the pressures of popularity politics and parental expectations for academic perfection.

Twenty years later (this past Feb), shortly after I left my corporate job and took a sabbatical of sorts, I signed-up to be an adult volunteer leader at Youth-to-Youth’s annual Western States conference.  Now that my schedule is finally more my own, I figured it was time to give back to the organization that I had gotten so much from.

But just prior to the conference, I hit a scary part of my journey towards better life balance and a professional transition to become a free-lance career coach, MBA admissions consultant, and writer.  My corporate severance package was drying up, and due to my own longer-than-expected-journey-to-face-my-fears and, of course THE FREAKING ECONOMY, I was not bringing in as much cash from some of my off-season projects as I had hoped.

I was feeling low about everything- including, to my dismay, the Youth-to-Youth (aka Y2Y) conference.  Here’s a sampling of the gamut of thoughts in my head as I drove the two hours to Claremont McKenna College: ”Five days away from my family in a dorm room? I haven’t worked with teenagers since I WAS a teenager! It’s going to be SO hot on that campus!”

But, I knew they were counting on me, so I showed up on Monday.  And, to be honest, I was tentative at first.  I was tentative about what I said, tentative about what I did.  I’m sure it showed in my body language as well.  I didn’t feel as comfortable as I thought I would, and it was disappointing.  I think I had been picturing a huge homecoming parade in my honor…where the old, naively confident but completely winning 15-year-old Karen would be Grand Marshal.

The teens of the Western States Youth-to-Youth conference partying it up in the pool.

I did some journaling to sort it out.  I pondered why I was holding back, not quite feeling myself and not feeling as happy and excited as I had when I signed up.  I wasn’t sure if it was because (1) I had grown up and I become more mellow; (2) I was unsure of my success as a volunteer facilitator, or (3) if I was not very active because I was physically tired (showing signs of my age) from all the activity, heat, dorm food and the small cold virus I came to the conference with.

By Thursday night I decided that it was probably a combination of all three, along with another more embarrassing reason.  Because it had been so long since I had been to a conference, I had almost involuntarily taken a step back to observe before I could feel comfortable diving back in wholeheartedly again.

The discomforting part is that I know I was not just observing, I was analyzing and even making judgments.  All this in spite of the fact that an essential tenet of Youth to Youth is to actually promote a lifestyle where teens (and adults) don’t make judgments of one another, and instead accept one another (and themselves) for who they are, just as they are.

I was presuming the teens weren’t interested in me because I am in a different phase of my life than they are; I was unconsciously assuming that I didn’t have a lot in common with the teens or some of the adult staff (mostly folks who had actually been brave enough, unlike me, to dedicate their life’s work to youth development).  In other words, my insecurity was getting the best of me and I was assuming no one would like me.

In addition, when I really faced myself honestly, I had to admit that I had been also analyzing the program by (a) comparing it to my nostalgic memory of it from 18 years ago and (b) comparing it to other conference/event experiences I have had since I left the program for college adventures and beyond.

After being disappointed with my judgmental self for a bit, I decided to be gentle on myself about it.  After all, I had spent the majority of my years since I left Youth-to-Youth (in college, two graduate degree programs, and in my work in higher education and healthcare)  being rewarded and recognized for being a great critical thinker.  I was extensively trained to (a) observe, (b) dissect, (c) find problems, (d) solve problems, and (e) find the value in any situation.  Unfortunately, much of the world and my training tended to focus on (a)-(d) and not (e).  In other words, in the last several years I have spent too much time focusing on the “critical” in “critical thinking.”

The next day, I was finally me, out loud…and I finally stopped observing and started actually venturing out to experience the conference for what it was.  I felt myself come out of my shell, reach out to more people, and had an easier time talking with everyone.  I wasn’t concerned about talking too much with other adults, or if the teenagers thought I was a “cool.”  I was just me.  I also stopped analyzing how the conference might be even more effective, or how it was different from when I was 15, and just accepted the wonderful experience for what it was, just as it was.

That night I danced without a care in the world under the stars at the dance that always culminates a conference.  I engaged in real conversations about people’s lives and futures, and wrote “warm fuzzies,” (Youth-to-Youth’s name for positive written notes to other conference participants, posted to a large wall – basically the precursor to Facebook),  not caring if I received any in return.

So all of this is a long winded story to remind us all, especially those who are a bit over-educated like myself, to remember to:

(1) balance out “critical” thinking with positive thinking and acceptance

(2) to balance your thinking with doing and feeling

(3) to balance listening to the wise adult in yourself with listening to your inner teenager…

2009 Western States Youth Staff