Your mama may have told you not to talk to strangers, but you’re an adult now.

So why talk to strangers? Here’s five great reasons why you should chat with the barista, your cabbie or the person standing next to you in line at the airport:

1. It’s a great distraction. It’s really hard to stay wrapped up in whatever drama is happening at work or with your boyfriend when you’re talking to some random person about the latest celebrity gossip.
2. You’ll learn new things. I’ve gotten book recommendations, learned about new restaurants, found out about neighborhood politics and discovered interesting facts about far-away places from talking to strangers.
3. You’ll probably never see them again. With strangers, you can practice flirting, get a new perspective on a problem you’re facing, or get an honest opinion, all without fear of what they might think.
4. You might make a great connection. Sometimes you’ll get that missing job lead you’ve always wanted, or you’ll be able to help someone out, or you’ll end up being friends with the person who introduces you to your future husband. You never know where a random connection could lead.
5. It makes the world a friendlier place. By being friendly, you give others an opportunity to be friendly back, and 99% of the time, people welcome a chance to connect.

This week, make a point to talk to three strangers, and see how it feels. It doesn’t matter what you talk about; sometimes a genuine “How are you doing today?” is all it takes to make a connection, however brief.

Say No.

For many of us, saying no to people we love or who we want approval from can seem near impossible. But without the ability to say No properly, your “yes” becomes downright meaningless. Whether it’s in business or in love, being willing and able say No without explaining yourself can go a long way toward having the energy and resources to devote to the people and things you care most about.

This week, practice saying No when you can’t do something, when a request violates your principles or boundaries, or when you just simply want some time and energy to yourself.  It may feel strange at first, but the extra freedom will be worth it.

I’m not sure what to make of this news that claims that online dating activity has skyrocketed since the recession started. While some in the article claim that it’s a matter of dollars and cents — it’s cheaper to be in a relationship than to date — I think it has more to do with people re-evaluating what’s really important to them.

After all, money, career success, and bling only take you so far in life. And when these things get threatened, people tend to look toward the more essential things in life, such as someone to share those successes with.

Some of the article seems to bear this theory out, claiming that substance is gaining over style, and that daters are being less haphazard and more pointed in their dating, considering potential partners who may have been overlooked for superficial reasons before.

All of this is a good thing. I’ve been telling clients for years that it’s not about where someone lives or what they do for a living that matters most (although that’s not irrelevant either), but the values they have and the vision they hold for their lives and whether you share them. Now that the world has turned topsy-turvy for so many people, it seems folks have an opportunity to consider what really matters to them. For some, it’s a continuation of the path they’ve already been on. For others, it’s an opportunity to re-envision what’s possible in life and in their relationships.

So what about you? Has the recession affected your dating priorities? Or, if you’re in a relationship, do you find yourself having different conversations with your sweetie? Regardless of what the market is doing, knowing what matters most, and not settling for less, is the key to relationship happiness.

"frustration as a result of all the pressure we put on ourselves"

“In life we often do not say what we mean or mean what we say.  For example, when many of us speak of abundance, we actually mean money; and when many of us speak of health, we actually mean our appearance, when many of us speak of joy, we actually mean happiness.  The difference between experiencing joy, abundance, and health, and acquiring money, a good appearance, and happiness is vast.  The former are inclusive while the latter are exclusive.  Joy is the state in which we allow ourselves to experience everything without judgment or concern.  Abundance pertains to being grateful for all the physical, mental, and emotional energies that flow through our life experience.  Health pertains to attending to the well-being of every aspect of our physical, mental and emotional experience.  However, happiness requires that “this” happens and that “that” does not happen, while money is just cash, and appearance is only skin deep.” - Michael Brown, The Presence Process

When I read this paragraph, I was struck by how completely “exclusive” we all are - and as a result the kind of pressure that we put on ourselves.  For example, we can only have abundance if we have a lot of money, we are only healthy if we are skinny and we are only joyful if we are happy.  So we press on, looking for that elusive life where we are abundant, healthy and joyful all the time - where we are rich, skinny and happy.  It sounds a little ridiculous doesn’t it?  This mad quest for such limited outcomes?

Michael Brown’s quote made me realize that I needed to widen my own definitions and let go of the pressure I put on myself.  I am abundant - namely because I have a full spectrum of mental, emotional and physical experiences that I am living and loving.  I am healthy because I am taking care myself on many different levels - even if I’m not at my goal weight.  And I am joyful because my life is full of many experiences, both positive and negative and I am living through every one of them. I don’t need to acquire or be anything other than me.

What are your definitions of abundance, joy and health?  Could they stand a little widening?

The subject of couples who work together is near and dear to my heart, especially those who throw love and risk and money into one pot and choose the entrepreneurial route together. After all, I worked with my significant other for over five years, before turning our business into an international non-profit. 

While working together for the same company has its risks (losing your job at the same time) and benefits (seeing each other often, knowing the same people), running a business together can really make or break a relationship. 

Issues around how much money to risk on a venture, how much time to spend together, and bringing business into the bedroom are common problems, and it often seems that when the business begins to struggle, the relationship struggles as well. Communication and clarity of purpose become paramount, as is knowing when to leave work behind to just “be” with each other.

Add to this potent mix the question: Who’s in charge here? Power struggles can take their toll on both the business and the relationship. Sometimes it’s best to simply make one of you the boss. This couple seems to have found happiness when the husband went to work for the wife. I found their story inspiring. 

What do you think? Can couples work together successfully? Are there some ventures that are more conducive to romance and business co-existing? If you’re in a business with your significant other, how do you make it work? Would you want to work with your lover?

Frank and Anita Milford

Frank and Anita Milford have been married for 81 - eighty-one! - years. How did they make it so long? Well, aside from having lived for over 100 years old (he’s 101, she’s 100), they attribute their success to daily squabbles, respect, romance, and taking time for each other. Sounds like advice that lasts. 

Jezabel: Heartwarming Long Marriage Alert
Times UK: Couple Married 81 Years Reveal Secret Of Success: Regular Rows

photo by allegr0

I’ve been sick this week, and a friend of mine brought over some “get well” supplies. It got me to thinking about the role of friends in my life. I recently moved cross-country from New York to San Francisco, and I’ve been lucky enough that I have some friends out here already. I’ve been in the process of building a network and a community and an inner circle of friends. But being sick got me to thinking about why I’ve been doing these things.

Simply put, friends make life better. They help you out when you’re not at your best. They remember things you might have forgotten and make you laugh about who you used to be. They expect less on a day-to-day basis than your family or significant other might. Friends provide a buffer to the natural ebb and flow of life. Read More/Make Comments

What to do when it’s over and you’re ready to move on

We’ve all been there. You meet someone fabulous, you fall in love, and life is wonderful… for a while. One day, the bickering starts. Things seem a little less shiny than before. After a while, things are clearly going downhill. And then: The Breakup.

Getting over a relationship isn’t easy, but there are some ways you can lessen the pain. Read More/Make Comments

Hi everyone!

Marcia in Paris last year

I’m so excited we have the Ideal Balance blog up and running. I’m really looking forward to posting here and learning more about you and sharing ideas and articles and all sorts of other neat stuff. Thanks for stopping by and saying hi.

If you’re wondering who I am, my name is Marcia Baczynski, and I’m the Director of Relationship Programming at Ideal Balance. This means I come up with all of our relationship programming (like Rock Solid Relating) as well as create our one-on-one relationship coaching programs. I’m also a giant geek when it comes to reading useful articles, finding cool tools and doing social networking on the internet. So I’ll probably be posting here a lot.

Just to give you an idea, here are a few totally diverse things I’ve been using recently that I really like:

• Mark Forster’s Autofocus System for getting everything done. I’ve been using this a lot the past week or so, and am finding it pretty effective for keeping moving on projects I’ve been resisting.
• The Center for Non-Violent Communication’s lists of feelings and needs. My clients are finding this really helpful for being able to identify what’s actually going on for them.
• Facebook. I’m totally obsessed. Find me there, and I’ll friend you.

What are some useful things you’ve found online lately?
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