I hereby announce that I am going from Couch to 5K in honor of my dad, who has heart disease, and to clear out my arteries since I learned this weekend that I have heart disease on BOTH sides of my family.  I haven’t run in 18 years.  When I ran 18 years ago it was for my high school track team and I was a long and triple jumper and a sprinter - 110 hurdles was the longest race I ever ran.  I did my first three 20 minute runs last week (baby steps, people - I’m 36 years old!). $100 asics, nike earphones, new running clothes and my phone make a huge difference.  I need the name of a 5K in the Ventura County area to sign up for this fall/winter.   I can already tell on each run how well I ate the day before.  Sticking with Monica’s Ideal Balance nutritional advice is an ongoing challenge for me, but I’ve gotten progressively good at seeing the wisdom of her ways, and I have accepted her wisdom that change is a pendulum and we’ll have slippages along the way.  Wish me luck, people. This old grey mare ain’t what it used to be. Or, as my friend Alexis put it, via that infamous quote in Top Gun, it may well be that “Son, your ego’s writing checks your body can’t cash.”

I’m a good mom - not a perfect mom, but a good mom. I love my kid to the end of the earth, I’m pretty intuitive about her needs, I know how to comfort her, have fun with her, teach her important lessons.

But man, my parenting skills are nothing compared to Andy’s. It’s no contest- I had the edge when I was nursing, but even before I weaned Shing, it was all over. He had her at hello. Maybe it’s because he grew up with a single mom who was incredibly self-sacrificing and smart about her own parenting (with damned fine results). Maybe it’s all the counseling training he’s had. Maybe it’s a god-given talent. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Whatever the reason, I’ve come to peace with the fact that Andy is a better parent than I, and I’m more grateful about it than anything else.

I know, every wife thinks her husband is super-dad. But even if you’ve fallen asleep reading this by now, I’m going continue writing anyway, for me and for him, more than anyone else. Here are my arguments for why Andy is an extraordinary parent, in the deepest sense of that descriptor. He’s extra-ordinary, way beyond the ordinary great dad.

For one, Andy is more strict with Shing than I am. This is not fun for her in one sense, but the consistency is really helping her develop into an amazing little human so far. He is her rock, her Gibraltar. Instinctively, I am certain she knows he will always, always, be there for her - to catch her when she falls, to comfort her afterwards, to come to for help. He’s also teaching her good habits this way, to wash her hands after she uses the restroom, to brush her teeth twice a day, to eat vegetables, to go to sleep at a decent hour. She seeks routine instinctively, finds comfort in it, and thrives because of it.

As she grows older, I know she will also seek his wise counsel (as do I and so many of our friends and family). In fact, I would say that my friends and my family come to him independently (contacting him directly without going through me) for advice much more often than they come to me. He’s generally not only a better listener than I am, but also brings a truly wise perspective on the world that we all gravitate to.

Andy is also really, really fun to play with. I’m guessing this came from years of YMCA camp counseling, teaching music to K-12 kids, and maybe just really feeling like he had to grow up a little too fast (his mom worked a lot of night shifts, so he felt like a bit of a latch-key kid…which also had massive benefits in terms of his maturity and independence). He’s endlessly inventive about play, and genuinely enjoys it. Case in point: at a recent Star Wars birthday party, Andy was the only parent to sit on the grass with the kids while the Obi-Wan Kenobi magician performed. He’s very present with Shing and all kids, and really engages.

Lastly, Andy is generally just more balanced than I am (for now). So he has the energy to handle Shing’s ups and downs. He prioritizes us as a family most of the time, takes care of himself on balance with that, which then circles back to having more energy for the family. He did the idealblanceinc.com cleanse last year that really helped him get even better at the balance he already had.

Happy Father’s Day, sweetheart. We’re the luckiest ladies in the world to have you as the Father in our family.

XOXO,
Y.H.

where even the best intentions can be thwarted...

I just spent two weekends traveling.  A weekend in Las Vegas and a weekend in Cleveland to visit my newborn niece, who by the way might be the cutest thing on the planet (not that I’m biased).   And I noticed was how hard it is to eat healthy at restaurants. My clients often complain about this, and when I’m out with my friends, I notice how everyone seems to order what I order so that they don’t have to think so hard about it.

Have you ever had the experience of going to a restaurant with the best intentions to eat healthy - so you order fish and vegetables.  Then when the fish comes, it is covered in cream sauce and the veggies are drenched in oil.  You look at your plate and realize that “healthy” is nowhere on this plate.

Or perhaps you’ve been at a restaurant and made the mistake of walking in hungry and before you realize it, you’ve downed a basket of bread or chips?

For most people, the hardest part about maintaining a healthy regimen is eating out with friends.  You get into the spirit of being with friends or family and just wanting to let go, relax and eat what you want.  Who wants to think so hard about food?  All we want is just to have a good time, right?

I totally understand this sentiment.  But, unfortunately 3 unplanned restaurant splurge meals can be enough to slow your weight loss to a crawl (especially if you aren’t working out).  So, if you are someone who eats out more than once a week - than learning to eat healthy at restaurants may be the ticket to you weight loss success.

So let’s start with mindset.  So many of us associate eating out with unhealthy foods like excess cheese, wine and bread and we associate those foods with relaxation after a long day or a long week.  We also associate comfort foods with having fun and finally being able to let go.  The first place to start is to decrease this association.  Yes, relaxing is important after a long week - but are there other ways to relax?  Could you go for a walk, get a massage, call a good friend?  The next time you are a restaurant and about to order the pasta with cream sauce - ask yourself, what does this food represent to me?  If it’s fun, pleasure and relaxation - then could you get that in another way?  It may take some time, but noticing your habits to let your unhealthy foods be the “fun” part of your life is a good place to start.

Second, there’s a few simple tips that may help.

1.  Never go to a restaurant starving.  Always stop at a convenient store or at home and pick up a protein snack ahead of time.  See my last blog post for more tips here.

2. Decide ahead of time what you are going to order at the restaurant so that temptation on the menu does not get the best of you.  You could even look at the restaurant menu on menupages.com and take your time to find what is healthy.

3.  Take your time to look at the menu.  There is usually a healthy option on every menu.  It just takes time to find it.  Most people order the first thing that they see on menus that suits them, but you must hunt for that which is tasty and healthy.   If you find that you get embarrassed when you take the time to really look and think - then get the menu ahead of time.

4. Be sure to ask the waiter what is in your food and ask for substitutions.  I just had a client visit a restaurant and ask for a her soup without cream and her entree without cream and low oil.  The restaurant was more than happy to oblige. If you are stuck in a place where you don’t want to be a pain, ask yourself this - Do you want your really want to find your ideal body?  Or would you rather please everyone?

5. Know when you are going to have a splurge meal.  Decide ahead of time what restaurants you love and pick those as your once a week splurge meal.  You’ll find that it is easier to eat healthy if you allow yourself to eat your favorite foods every so often.

I had a client come to me who was a food and wine writer who ate out 4 times a week and was concerned about her health.  We worked on the suggestions above and she started printing out menus ahead of time and deciding what she wanted to order that way.  Before long she had dropped 15 pounds simply by deciding what foods she was going to eat and what foods she could skip.  And her confidence soared.  In fact, it was during this process that she wrote an article for one of the best magazines in the country.

Use the suggestions for inspiration and guidance on your next restaurant outing - and remember that it all takes practice, so please be patient with yourself.

For more information about how to eat healthy in restaurants - you may want to check out week 5 of the Life and Body Makeover.  During that Week, we do an exercise on defining your emotional patterns around eating.  I think you’ll find it super useful.  Check it out here.

Good morning.  I’m in Las Vegas, celebrating my annual girls weekend with my college girlfriends.  We do this every year and I’m so honored to be part of such a lovely group.  Other than some sore feet from way too much dancing last night, we’ve been having a blast.

But there was something I needed to share with you today about the dreaded bread bowl.  Last night we walked around for about an hour trying to find a good restaurant to eat at.  And despite our best efforts, we couldn’t find anything that had less than an hour wait.  So by the time we all sat down to eat we were starving.  The waiter put the bread basket down on the table - and we were like wild animals who hadn’t eaten in days.  Despite the fact that I haven’t eat white bread in months, I was right there with them.  And then I noticed that I was yawning a bit more last night as a result of all that white flour making me sleepy.  Does this sound familiar?

Here’s the situation.  The problem is not the bread - actually the bread is just an innocent bystander.  When you wait too long between meals and you get to dinner starving- the problem is your blood sugar level.  You haven’t eaten anything and your body is looking to bring your blood sugar levels up to normal FAST.  The fastest way to do that is BREAD (or sugar, pasta, chips, pretzels - whatever you fancy).

Suddenly you are transformed to a manic bread-eating crazy person - and all of your best intentions get thrown out the window.  Now for the record, I don’t think bread is an enemy.  Everything in moderation is perfectly healthy.  But when you are on the third slice…you know what I mean.

So what’s a girl (or guy) to do?  First, don’t let yourself get to the starving point, especially if you are eating at a restaurant.  Get used to carrying around small snacks so that you can eat a little bit every 3 hours or so.  Also, it helps to just eat a quick snack before you sit down for dinner, this is true if you know you’ve already waited to long and are going to eat anything put in front of you.

Here are some snacks that may help:

* a hard boiled egg
* 12 ounces of water
* whole-wheat crackers
* a healthy protein-bar
* nuts
* apples, pears and other fruits
* healthy, high fiber cereals

Snacking is the best way to get over hunger and keep yourself from ravaging the bread bowl or the chip basket.  So the next time you feel like yelling at the bread - try to deal with your hunger instead.

If you want more inspiration with recipes or a complete snack list, check out week 3 of our Life and Body Makeover Program.  We’ve got everything you need to get healthy, lose the weight you want and stay that way forever.  Check it out here.

I often call myself the “irreverent” nutritionist.  Why?  Because I’m not perfect.  I’m far from it.  I love all food too much - including the unhealthy versions.  But what I’ve learned over the years is that “perfection” is not the goal.  If it was, I would have failed eons ago.

The goal is simply awareness.  It is getting really clear on why you want something or why you gave into a particular craving.  You see, it’s like a detective game.  Why did you really eat those cookies?  Was it because you were hungry or because you were tired and angry at your boss?  Is there a way that you could prevent it from happening again?

You see I often refer to eating healthy as a “practice” - because every day you have a different set of scenarios to practice with.  For example one of my clients found herself starving at a mother’s day brunch this weekend.  In a pickle and without any healthy food - she decided to enjoy a hot fudge Sunday.  We decided together that Mother’s Day was a perfect day to enjoy ice cream, but that Monday was a perfect day to “practice” eating healthy again.  You see every day and every meal is practice for making positive decisions.

And the more you think of each meal as a practice - the less you’ll beat yourself up over the meals that do not go the way you plan them.  And if you think of yourself as training for a game - you’ll know that you just keep getting better and better the more you practice.  On the days that practice does not go well - all you need to do is determine what could happen better next time.

In the case of many of my clients, practice often leads to the following conclusions.  Use them to help you as you practice eating healthier:

- I need to bring a snack so I don’t get hungry in the middle of my son’s soccer game.

- I need to stop eating muffins for breakfast because they make me crave sugar all day long.

- I need to allow myself to have fun during the day so I don’t use sugar to make me feel good.

- I need to think about dinner before I come home - so I don’t finish the bag of chips while I’m trying to prep it.

So the next time you have an unhealthy meal, a day or even a week - just think of it as practice.  Identify what habits need to change and use the experience as a perfect opportunity to change up your habits so you’ll win the game next time.

If you’d like to learn more about having a healthy mindset around eating and just how much you can improve your practice, please check out week 5 of our Life and Body Makeover Program - in it we include an activity that helps you determine how you can get the most pleasure from your eating and your life.  Check it out here.

Thanks so much!

Monica

Ok, most of us fall into two camps when it comes to exercise. Camp one: we don’t do it at all or we hit the gym once or twice a week (or month:)). Camp two: we do it because we have to, but we don’t enjoy it, and we try our best to slog through it.

I have a new way to approach exercise - find something that you actually like doing or better yet - might actually fit in with what you really need in your life right now.

Instead of slogging through your regular gym routine or your knee-grinding run, see if any of the following may better meet your current needs:

For those of you in New York, I’ve put some links in here. For the rest of you, I’m sure you can find similar offerings in your area.

Need to de-stress and calm down? Try a yoga clas at a Yoga Studio, not one at a gym. The energy in yoga studios is calming as soon as you walk in the door. And you don’t hear the loud gym music while you are in down-dog.

Need to meet some new friends and fight the lonelies? Try a team sport like flag football or frisbee. Central Park has tons of new leagues that form every week. I have a friend that often plays with leagues from The New York Social Club. You may also want to try one of the recreational running clubs like The New York Harriers. They run in the mornings, but do social events as well.

Feeling totally depressed and unchallenged at work, but unable to leave your situation right now? Try challenging yourself to finish a running race or a triathlon. You can even join a team to help with motivation. Try looking into Full Throttle at Chelsea Piers or the Terrier Triathlon Club. I trained with full throttle for two years. It is tough, but very worth it. The New York Road Runners Club also has tons of great programs.

Feeling sad about the state of the world? Why not make the world a better place and get a flatter stomach? Check out Team in Training or Run for a Dream. Both organizations support great causes.

Ladies, feeling like you could use a little pizzazz in the bedroom? How about taking a strip tease class. You’ll feel it everywhere - and your guy wil thank you. Check out the S-Factor.

Would you like to give up the war you’ve had with your body and make some peace with where you are now (while still burning calories)? Every time I’ve done belly dancing, I come home with a new respect for my body, especially my belly. I look around the room and notice how we are all so beautiful in every shape, size and form. There is just something about this dance that allows for peace and self adoration. Try it, let me know if you agree. I’m not an expert on the best classes, but I’ve taken some at The Open Center that were quite good. Do let me know if you find a teacher you love.

Wish you had more time to shake your booty? But you don’t want to learn a 90-step combination? Try one of the new age dance classes that don’t require you to learn steps, you just feel the music and go. Check out Five Rhythms. You may also like the Brazilian martial art/dance style, called Capoeira. The Alvin Ailey Extension on 55th Street has tons of different dance classes from Zumba to West African.

In a slump and wishing life would just throw you a bone? Perhaps looking at life from a new angle would help - from a trapeze. The Trapeze School may be a fun way to help you get out of your rut and see life a little differently.

Take a moment and look at yourself first. Then pick out an exercise routine that really works for you. Make your exercise routine more than just a route to smaller jeans - it can also be an easy way to upgrade your life.

And for more great tips on Radical Self Care, don’t forget to sign up for our upcoming teleseminar: Radical Self Care: How to Have the Body, Career and Relationships you’ve always wanted.

What three books have had the most impact on you?

Encouraged by my recent volunteer experience, I recently got back in touch with a former mentor and role model of mine.   Since I spoke to him last (which I think was at his son Paul’s wedding many moons ago), Henry’s been appointed by Clinton and Bush to federal executive branch committees and boards (most recently on the Board of Directors of the Corporation for National & Community Service) .   He’s now deputy director of a pretty big foundation in San Francisco.  This man is connected with a capital C in the non-profit (and probably some of the political) world, and he loves me like a second daughter, practically.   I remember when I used to come to his house everyday after school when I was a senior in high school.  Now he’s promised to think about how I could do some contract work for him or people he knows.

Why have I not called him before?  Because somewhere, in the recesses of my powerful little mind, there is always that voice that says…”I can do it myself, damn it!”

In the last week, I’ve thought about how the whole American sense of independence thing has gone to far for too many of us.  In fact, since I began my fascination with the whole concept of leadership, I’ve noticed that the wisest, most successful folks seem to have thrown the idea of being el lobo solo by the way side.  Per the infamous Stephen Covey, a habit of highly effective people is that they choose a more productive, satisfying, and easier alternative - they build on divergent strengths, and they leverage creative collaboration.  They build teams.  They delegate.  They rely on others.  They find partners.  They reach out.  They communicate.

In other words, instead of trying to do it all themselves, they actually get the help they want.   Notice I didn’t say “get the help they NEED.” Why?  Because the reality is, many things in life can be accomplished alone, so for many tasks you don’t technically NEED help.  But does life have to be so hard?  No, my fellow citizens of a country borne from the Protestant-work-ethic, no.

It’s usually not as much fun doing something alone.  In addition, it’s usually harder.  And, you actually can bring joy into other people’s lives by asking or allowing them to help you do something they are naturally talented at.

This is not new stuff.  We’ve all been told we need to learn to delegate, to work as a team, to be cooperative and collaborative.  But why don’t we really believe it?  Talk to your therapist, but it also may be partly because there are still lots of unspoken images and myths abound that still reinforce the opposite ideal, in the media, our own families, our work places.

Reaching out for help, connection, to delegate and to outsource is something we all need to be reminded of again and again to really internalize it.   I had another lesson in this recently, when I mentioned to my best friend, Olivia* that I had a challenging career coaching appointment coming up.  Olivia happens to be job hunting right now (long story, but if you know of some good business development or relationship sales jobs let me know) and before I knew it, she had rattled off at least 5-6 effective approaches and tips for me to use on my call.  Again, I didn’t need to struggle on my own, trying to research on the internet, etc.

I’ve actually gotten worse about this since I became a mother, because of the super-mom myth about us being able to do it all.  Man I would have gotten a lot more hands-on help when I was on maternity leave, home alone with a less than 3 month old, if I’d done more than call my sister for help, who couldn’t come over to help me very often, since she was occupied with infant twins of her own at the time.

Just pick up the god damned phone, ping a friend on Facebook, e-mail, whatever.   Be strong enough and smart enough to stop being so freaking independent.  You don’t have to go it alone.  No man is an island.

Once you start doing this on a regular basis, you’ll actually be more successful in whatever you do, personally or professionally.  Life is easier, too.  And a lot more fun.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent - that is, me.

What other blogs do you read regularly?

Scanned from my high school scrapbook, a photo of myself volunteering at aged 15 (note my braces if you look carefully) at a Youth to Youth conference in Carpinteria, CA

Get out your cup of coffee/tea to read this one, it’s a long[ish] post.  Cue Gilligan’s Island theme: “Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a…15 year old?

When I was a sophomore at Thousand Oaks High School, I was asked by a school counselor if I would attend a volunteer youth leadership training and “Youth-to-Youth“ conference happening in the neighboring Santa Ynez Valley.  I went, figuring it would be a good experience to “pad” my future college application and might be an interesting adventure away from my family with my buddy Greg, who was also invited.  What happened was truly life-changing.

The experience was way beyond my expectations.  The amazing staff established an atmosphere at the training and the conference  where I felt unconditionally accepted for who I was, just as I was.  This was nothing short of extraordinary in the context of my high school life, crowded with the pressures of popularity politics and parental expectations for academic perfection.

Twenty years later (this past Feb), shortly after I left my corporate job and took a sabbatical of sorts, I signed-up to be an adult volunteer leader at Youth-to-Youth’s annual Western States conference.  Now that my schedule is finally more my own, I figured it was time to give back to the organization that I had gotten so much from.

But just prior to the conference, I hit a scary part of my journey towards better life balance and a professional transition to become a free-lance career coach, MBA admissions consultant, and writer.  My corporate severance package was drying up, and due to my own longer-than-expected-journey-to-face-my-fears and, of course THE FREAKING ECONOMY, I was not bringing in as much cash from some of my off-season projects as I had hoped.

I was feeling low about everything- including, to my dismay, the Youth-to-Youth (aka Y2Y) conference.  Here’s a sampling of the gamut of thoughts in my head as I drove the two hours to Claremont McKenna College: ”Five days away from my family in a dorm room? I haven’t worked with teenagers since I WAS a teenager! It’s going to be SO hot on that campus!”

But, I knew they were counting on me, so I showed up on Monday.  And, to be honest, I was tentative at first.  I was tentative about what I said, tentative about what I did.  I’m sure it showed in my body language as well.  I didn’t feel as comfortable as I thought I would, and it was disappointing.  I think I had been picturing a huge homecoming parade in my honor…where the old, naively confident but completely winning 15-year-old Karen would be Grand Marshal.

The teens of the Western States Youth-to-Youth conference partying it up in the pool.

I did some journaling to sort it out.  I pondered why I was holding back, not quite feeling myself and not feeling as happy and excited as I had when I signed up.  I wasn’t sure if it was because (1) I had grown up and I become more mellow; (2) I was unsure of my success as a volunteer facilitator, or (3) if I was not very active because I was physically tired (showing signs of my age) from all the activity, heat, dorm food and the small cold virus I came to the conference with.

By Thursday night I decided that it was probably a combination of all three, along with another more embarrassing reason.  Because it had been so long since I had been to a conference, I had almost involuntarily taken a step back to observe before I could feel comfortable diving back in wholeheartedly again.

The discomforting part is that I know I was not just observing, I was analyzing and even making judgments.  All this in spite of the fact that an essential tenet of Youth to Youth is to actually promote a lifestyle where teens (and adults) don’t make judgments of one another, and instead accept one another (and themselves) for who they are, just as they are.

I was presuming the teens weren’t interested in me because I am in a different phase of my life than they are; I was unconsciously assuming that I didn’t have a lot in common with the teens or some of the adult staff (mostly folks who had actually been brave enough, unlike me, to dedicate their life’s work to youth development).  In other words, my insecurity was getting the best of me and I was assuming no one would like me.

In addition, when I really faced myself honestly, I had to admit that I had been also analyzing the program by (a) comparing it to my nostalgic memory of it from 18 years ago and (b) comparing it to other conference/event experiences I have had since I left the program for college adventures and beyond.

After being disappointed with my judgmental self for a bit, I decided to be gentle on myself about it.  After all, I had spent the majority of my years since I left Youth-to-Youth (in college, two graduate degree programs, and in my work in higher education and healthcare)  being rewarded and recognized for being a great critical thinker.  I was extensively trained to (a) observe, (b) dissect, (c) find problems, (d) solve problems, and (e) find the value in any situation.  Unfortunately, much of the world and my training tended to focus on (a)-(d) and not (e).  In other words, in the last several years I have spent too much time focusing on the “critical” in “critical thinking.”

The next day, I was finally me, out loud…and I finally stopped observing and started actually venturing out to experience the conference for what it was.  I felt myself come out of my shell, reach out to more people, and had an easier time talking with everyone.  I wasn’t concerned about talking too much with other adults, or if the teenagers thought I was a “cool.”  I was just me.  I also stopped analyzing how the conference might be even more effective, or how it was different from when I was 15, and just accepted the wonderful experience for what it was, just as it was.

That night I danced without a care in the world under the stars at the dance that always culminates a conference.  I engaged in real conversations about people’s lives and futures, and wrote “warm fuzzies,” (Youth-to-Youth’s name for positive written notes to other conference participants, posted to a large wall – basically the precursor to Facebook),  not caring if I received any in return.

So all of this is a long winded story to remind us all, especially those who are a bit over-educated like myself, to remember to:

(1) balance out “critical” thinking with positive thinking and acceptance

(2) to balance your thinking with doing and feeling

(3) to balance listening to the wise adult in yourself with listening to your inner teenager…

2009 Western States Youth Staff